x_liveforever_x

01:57 am: Hey.
I just want you to like me.

07:12 pm: I want to move away.
I want to be the one to disappear.
It would be nice to move to Florida with Byron and Jason.
I could get a job somewhere shitty, just have enough to make rent every month, and be happy.
On the weekends I could skate all day.
I just want to be somewhere new, and leave behind everything and everyone I hate.
I guess I've got some thinking and possibly some planning to do.

12:45 am: I think I've had enough of being lonely.
I've been alone for a very long time.
Not necessarily on the outside,
But on the inside.
Maybe it's just the hole you left.
It's hard to think someone so lonely could get more lonely.
But it happened.
I'm not angry with you, I want you to be happy where you are.
But you really were a huge part of me.
And it aches to know I can't see you or hear your soft voice.
I can't jump up and get things for you.
I miss your input on things I do.
You made me feel like I was the king of the world.
Thank you so much for being you.
But I really do miss you.
Come back please, I'm begging you.

01:49 am: Get out of my head.
I don't want to think about you anymore.
I can't think about you anymore.
Bad news.

10:27 am: I was a desert sun, burning over insects buried in the dusty earth,
And I burned, how I burned for you.
But you were not that insect, no you were not that dusty earth.
And as you stared back, unscathed and unimpressed,
You waited for the moon.

11:37 pm: COCKS
COCKS

07:25 pm: fuck.
ugh.
I now have absolutely no reason to ever leave my house again.

12:25 pm: 200hate

With all the death and sickness surrounding me and my family,
it's hard to not worry about being next.

11:50 pm: As much as I hate to cry,

I don't mind crying for you.

Tonight was hard, but it was nice to see that you had touched so many people. People that had never met you showed up. You were a popular woman even through stories! Uncle John made a great speech about you and gave us a glimpse into you as a kid, a part of your life that almost no one there had gotten to see. Everyone else who spoke did a great job. You'd be proud of them, just like you were proud of us every day of our lives. I'll be thinking about you a lot, and I'm blessed to have you looking over my shoulder. I wouldn't want anyone else.

You're a great woman, and I'll always be grateful that I had the pleasure of having you in my life.

Love you forever.

rip Elizabeth Hankin

09:38 am: This morning at 4 am, my grandma passed away from a hard fight for her life in the hospital.
The past six months she was in there, it had been a rollercoaster of good news and bad news, and the past 3 weeks everything just went downhill very, very fast.

In a way it's a good thing that she went, she was tired of fighting and didn't want us to be worried for her anymore, and she was ready to go.

But in another way, I wish she was still here. She was like a second mother to me. She helped raise me and I saw her all the time when I was young, even when I got older I saw her pretty often. I'm going to miss her.

I could write more but I don't really feel like talking to anyone or anything.


p.s. Today a hawk landed in the tree in our backyard and just watched our house. That's never happened ever in my life. I googled what a hawk means and it turns out it means watchfulness, and the heavens. As much as I don't believe in god or whatever, I'm glad she made it there.

10:11 pm: Ugh.
I've never been so worried or so scared or so stressed in my entire life.

Please don't leave me.
What am I going to do without your strength?

01:34 pm: Hey,
No one else matters.
I love you.

01:02 am: I need something.
I taught myself how to paint with watercolours tonight.
I bought a tattoo kit.
I'm bored with life.
I need something to keep me busy.
To keep me from thinking too much.
To keep me stable.
To keep me sane.

07:11 pm: Fuck you livejournal.
Fuck you cancer.
Fuck you places that won't hire me.
Fuck you schools for taking my friends away.
Fuck you terrible feelings in the pit of my stomach.
Fuck you 2008.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Sleep forever.

03:00 am: I can't sleep. So I got to thinking.
I've been thinking about a lot of things, and a lot about you.
I've been thinking about how much I miss you, and how the second I see you it's like we were never apart.
I've been thinking about how we can go for walks, hang out with friends, go on super fun dates, or just lay in bed all day, and it never gets boring. Not even for a second.
I've been thinking about your laugh, your smile, and your overall glow when you're happy.
I've been thinking about if I ever say the wrong things to you or make you upset, because that's the last thing in the world I want to do.
I've been thinking about school and work, and how it may cut our time together a bit, but I'll still cherish every second just like I do now.
I've been thinking a lot about how alike we are, but we still contrast well on certain things. You get me, and I feel like I get you. You laugh at my dumb jokes, you know where I'm ticklish, and you know exactly when to kiss me.
Most of all I've just been thinking about how much I love you.
I haven't really loved anyone in a while, but it feels good and I know that you're genuine and deserving of it.
Not to mention you get more gorgeous every time you breathe.
But that's just the icing on the magnificent cake that is Jillian Faye Johnson.
Rottin'




In other news, I've also been thinking about buying a tattoo gun/kit. I enjoy drawing and the whole tattoo culture and I figure it's probably the best way to make a career out of what I love. Once I get a job I think I'm going to do that. This is basically just a note to myself if I ever come back to this and I haven't gotten the kit I'll be pissed.

Oh and Jays vs Athletics tomorrow with my dad. Two favourite teams. SIQ
ILML

01:17 am: You really need to stop using your age as a way to feel superior over people.
Using your age does not justify how shitty you treat people.
Just because you're technically an adult doesn't excuse you from being a decent person.
Honestly, she'll have more heart, brains, guts, and definitely more beauty in her than you could ever hope to have.
You're a piece of shit.
You know you are, so stop lying to yourself and everyone around you and take a look at how fast your friends are falling from you.
I've never heard so many people talk shit about their friend as much as your friends do about you, so get a goddamn clue.
I guess in a way I can thank you for sending me an angel though.
So thanks.
You should know me well enough to know that it takes a lot to really get under my skin.
So congratulations, I know you love to stir up shit.

P.s. If you end up reading this and want to send someone to beat me up at a show, don't bother. It won't change my mind, and I don't leave my house.

06:42 pm: Yesterday morning I was supposed to have a liver transplant.
My dad was supposed to be the donor and we went through months of preparation both physically and emotionally.
My dad and I were both excited.

I'm laying in the pre-op room waiting for the okay to go in for surgery, there are IVs and shit in me and I'm ready to go.
My dad has been in there for about an hour and I'm waiting.
The doctor comes out and tells me they have to cancel the transplant.

With all the tests they do they get as close as they can, but it really all comes down to one final test that they do once the donor is cut open.
My dad was in the 5% that didn't get past this test.
He had too many branches coming off of the main artery in his liver, and it would be too risky to operate.

Needless to say it was crushing. It felt like every bone in my body had been broken and everything around me was spinning.
After the initial hurt of it I started crying, and didn't stop all day. I felt so numb, didn't want to talk to or look at anyone. I just wanted to see my dad. He feels like he let me down, but he's still my hero. I wish he knew how much it still means to me. But it's really hard seeing him in the hospital and me being fine.

2008 is the year of let downs. Not just for me. Stay inside until 2009.

09:51 pm: I've been so used to being lazy tired, when I just sit around all day and get tired because I haven't done anything.
But lately I've been going out and partying and going on 5 hour bike rides and walking places and today I played tennis with my sister.
Being tired from physical activity is so much better, I've been sleeping so great because I actually tire myself out instead of just being so bored I want to sleep.
This past month has been so amazing and hopefully the next week will be the same.

Oh and I kissed a girl last night.

02:36 am: Sometimes I really miss what we had.
I look at how much fun we had and I wonder if I'll ever have that again.
I wish we could be friends but I guess the last time we tried things ended up getting weird and shitty.
You're new boyfriend is a dickhead.
He's the wrong guy for you and when you realize that you'll wonder why you even dated him.
The again, the girls I've dated have been wrong for me too.
I don't want you back, I just wish you could be with someone more deserving, who wouldn't bring you down with him.
I'm always going to love you, I just want the best for you even if I wasn't.

09:17 pm: You know when
you try to have a conversation with someone and it just irritates you because the person you're speaking to is so oblivious to the world around and how to even have a decent conversation about anything other than a band, tv show, boy or girl that they like, or whatever teenage drama is happening at school that day?

Die in a fire.